Thoughts On Relationships: Part One
Ah, relationships. Relationships seem to be everyone’s favorite thing to talk about — mine included. Humans crave and love connection. It doesn’t matter how hard people try to push connection away, humans crave it. We almost need it to survive, in a lot of ways. At least, this is what I’ve noticed within the last year. The coronavirus pandemic has really shown us, at least in my observations, what’s important.
Throughout my own experience in my 25 years on earth, there are several commonalities I see in relationships. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship repeating a cycle that you just can’t break? As a personal example, I used to find myself always angry at my partner no matter what he did. Deep down, I knew that he was trying his best to be the best he could, but I was still finding myself angry at him. I came home from a long day at work to find dirty dishes in the sink. Instead of responding, because I had a long day at work, and communicating how I felt, I reluctantly did the dishes. And if my partner walked up to me to greet me, I was closed off, disconnected and did not want to communicate at all. My tone was short, and irritable. This created an unnecessary tension, and created an unnecessary problem within the relationship.
I imagine how it feels to be approached with the same level of stress, pain, and tension that was carried home due to a stressful day at work. I think about how it feels in my body to be carrying that stress. Then I imagine projecting that stress onto my partner and now sharing that heavy stress that I felt is now weighing down in their body, too. There are several parts to the vortex cycle, but this particular portion of it, comes from a scarcity mentality. This mentality focuses on the lack — it focuses on what I or anyone else is not getting. Pushing this idea even further, this mentality shows up when someone is not filling their own cup, and not communicating about what they are dealing with or going through to their partner. Then, their partner becomes the source of their issues, and the projection of their issues.
In this example, I am reacting to the dirty dishes in the sink. Breaking down the word reaction: RE-action = repeated action. Reactions are just cycles of actions that have been acted out previously. They could have been previous traits and programming learned from the environment that someone grew up in. They could be many things. But the bottom line is, they are repeated actions.
The next portion of the vortex cycle that I want to cover, is projection. The definition of projection per google search, is a defense mechanism in which individuals attribute characteristics they find unacceptable in themselves to another person. Breaking down the word projection: PROJECT-tion. To me, projection is merely creating a PROJECT out of someone else, when it is the self that needs reflection, attention, and love.
Within relationships, it is assumed that the root cause of all issues leads back to the partner. The issues lead back to what the partner is, or is not doing. How they are, or aren’t showing up. This, in some ways, is true. If someone is not expressing their dedication in the relationship, it can feel one-sided. However, I am of the belief that the issues begin and end within the self. The root cause of all issues can be lead back to the self — every, single, time. Instead of looking at the partner and what they are or are not doing, looking at the self is the most beneficial. Here are some questions I ask myself personally when faced with confrontation of my own thoughts/difficulties:
Am I in a space of love? Am I reacting to the situation, or am I responding and being intentional? Is this trauma based, or love-based space? What is my end goal with this emotion/thought/space? What are my intentions? How do I want to be received? Do I want to feel aligned and together with myself and my partner, or do I want to feel separate?
These questions can be applied to any relationship — friend, family, coworker, boss. This is one solution to the vortex cycle. Another solution is realizing and recognizing that our partners’ behavior and choices has absolutely nothing to do with us, but everything to do with them. I hear so often that people think they’re in a “bad” relationship and I can’t help but disagree — I don’t believe in bad relationships. I don’t even believe in bad anything. What I believe, is that people can only meet us as deeply as they have met themselves, and sometimes, when someone is in a state of inner turmoil, it is just easily projected on the person closest to them — their partner. Most of us are completely unconscious that we even do this. It is easy to justify one’s behavior and actions. But what I think is so important to realize, is that not willing to communicate what is occurring within, creates a divisiveness between the self and the potential receptivity to love. And, although love isn’t logical — logically, who would want to create division between themselves and love? When I ask myself this question, the answer is not me. I want to live my life from a space where I can be receptive to love. If I am living my life from a scarcity mindset, I will never be open to love, and I will continue to sabotage my relationships, and push my partners away.
In any given situation, I ask myself how I want to show up. How do I want to be perceived? How do I want to be received? I want to fully embody love, and be received as love. The only way to do this, is to look in the mirror at myself and fully embrace the pieces of myself I love, and the pieces of myself that I do not love as much, and give them love.
The biggest lesson I have learned is that it is not about what happens around and between people. It is about how they show up when something happens. I don’t know about you all, but I want to show up knowing that my heart is open to receive — love, pain, and everything in between.
