Let Love Catalyze
It’s true that pain demands to be felt, and by our societal standards, it is more common to either be wildly happy with a “mediocre” life, or to constantly find problems and pain in the life we are living. In a sense, these two things go hand in hand.
A word that came up for me about a month ago was vilify. Vilify, means to lower in estimation or importance, per Google search. When humans go through pain, we tend to vilify whatever it is that’s causing the pain. What causes more pain commonly among people other than — you guessed it — a break up or a divorce?
From a very young age, women are taught that if men do not act a certain way, or show up a certain way, they are garbage. (I go over some of this in a previous article about false paradigms). It is programmed into our brains from movies, especially Disney movies, to ride off into the sunset with a handsome prince who is going to solve all of our problems for us. So naturally, at least from the woman’s perspective, the second a man shows up as human, or things go wrong or are broken off — the natural response is to vilify that person. The same goes for men. If women aren’t constantly in love with them all the time, they start to question themselves but it ends up being projected onto the woman as being a problem/at fault. Naturally, in this case the man would vilify and resent the woman.
There are so many layers and facets to this, so I am leaving it there and will come back to it later.
How many of you have vilified someone just because you disagree with their choices? Or because they hurt you? Which leaves room for you to act out and make unhealthy decisions about your own life, because since you got hurt, now suddenly you’re owed something. When really, the only thing you’re owed is self love — from YOURSELF.
Heartbreak in any form naturally closes off the human psyche. It triggers a fight or flight response and so many other things. Humans are committed to being right, or being the best. So much so that we will vilify someone who meant the world to us, just because they hurt us or didn’t turn out to be who we thought they were — because they are HUMAN. This is damaging. This is division.
Let’s break down the word damaging. In my mind, I think of it as de-imaging. The definition of image or imaging is to make a visual representation of something. To de-image something, to me, means to take away the importance of it, by causing harm. Damaging = de-imaging. This might be a bit of a stretch but if you think about it, damage creates the image that pain has been caused. Damage is illusory. It fills lower level ego desires. It fills desires from a place of pain, not love. It takes away the original intention, or perception of something.
I recently read a post from Mark Groves, talking about his commitment to integrity. Instead of vilifying his previous partner (who is now his current partner), he was so committed to his integrity, that he took the time to really look at himself after his break up and make changes. He talks about giving a shit about his life and the type of life he wants to live. If you haven’t checked his work out I highly recommend it.
This echoes a lot of what’s been coming up for me. I was cracked open, by love, in the absolute best, most loving, and yet painful way. Instead of committing myself to identifying with the pain, I am committed to choosing new ways to identify myself. I’m committed to my integrity and my life — how I want to live and show up. Love brought me home to myself. It reminded me where I wasn’t living in full truth and power, and where I was. It showed me the depth of the pain I’ve been carrying most of my life. It also showed me the depth of my own love — the depth of my own soul. There are days I don’t like what I see in the mirror and that’s where I start. I sit with those parts and stare at them and love them. I transmute them and integrate them into new, stronger, more loving and open parts of myself. I love myself so much that I am committed to allowing the love I’ve experienced to catalyze me into something — someone — new.
So, what will it be? Will you allow the pain you feel from loss of love to vilify someone? Or will you let love crack you all the way the fuck open, so open you don’t know if you can open anymore, so you can be born anew from the ashes of who you once were?
I choose to catalyze and be open. What will you choose?
